Being a Gay is a Choice... IS IT? (part deux)

Udah sejak kapan bulan ingin nulis lagi tentang banyak hal... tapi selalu mentok di pikiran, seperti biasa... tiap mau mulai ngetik, ada aja alasan... SEPERTI BIASA...

Ya ujug-ujug males lah...

Atau distracted sama situs lain lah...

Atau malah *yang paling sering*... nontonin  youtube sampe ketiduran...

Kalo dipikir-pikir... udah umur segini, harusnya hidup saya udah terarah, jalan yang saya pilih, "harusnya" udah kelihatan bakal dibawa ke mana...

Seandainya saja saya seorang straight...

Tapi ya itu tadi... mentok di kata "seandainya"...

Beberapa waktu lalu, seperti yang sudah saya tulis di postingan sebelumnya... sempat heboh tentang "Being gay is a choice"... dan orang yang "memilih" untuk jadi gay... itu sebenernya sedang sakit... dan harus disembuhin...

Simple ya...

Simple ubun-ubun lu empuk...!

Just as I said before, I suspected everyone who said that... of being gay is a choice... are those who are ignorant and perhaps simply don't wanna be bothered trying to get acknowledged of the topic...

So,... here's the letter I wrote for you...

Anggap aja as a reply for a letter that had been written by a great writer, one of "quite" celeb-twit who I'm "secretly" having crush on ... well... it's not a secret anymore... although I know, that it's only on my own...hayah...

"Buat teman-teman... my straight fellows... iya, kamu...

Sebelum saya menulis banyak-banyak... saya mohon maaf kalo apa yang bakal saya tulis, mungkin sedikit menyinggung perasaan...

Mungkin dari awal, perlu saya minta, sedikit bersabarlah untuk membacanya...

Kalo bisa sih... sedikit membuka pikiran... karena, if you only wanna read what you wanna read... it will be wasting of time... I guess..

Yang saya tulis di sini, sekali lagi... apa yang saya rasa dan pikirkan, mungkin ada beberapa yang juga merasakan hal yang sama... atau sama sekali berbeda...

Sejak kali pertama saya merasa "tertarik" dengan orang lain...

I knew that it was not as "usual" as what others felt...

Kalo kamu ga percaya, sekali lagi saya bilang...

I've never chosen to be a gay... for me, it has never been a choice...

I know,... it's easier (like... A LOT EASIER) for you to just disbelieving about what I said..

And I know, it seems like you have every reason to just think that I am just having some kind of a "disease"... therefore should look for a "cure"...

Once, I also thought... that, it was not normal to be a gay...

But what is normal?

Just because I'm different,... so does it mean that I'm not normal?

I quote what Mr. Piring had written in his blog with excellent samples...

"Privilege is invisible to those who have it"

Do you even know how it feels to be a gay?

Here... let me tell you how does it feel to be like I am... a gay...

Do you even know about the confusion that I felt... when most of my friends when I was in Junior-Senior High talking about the new hot girl next class... or, how depressing it was to hold the urge to have that "cinta-monyet" and those experiences in having a special relationship with someone other you called "pacar"...

Do you even consider, that it was frightening to realize that what I felt was not common... that it might cause mockery and bullying... so I just had to keep it as my deepest secret...

Do you even think... that it was hurt to hide everything I felt beneath, because it might cause me lost everything I care about... if everybody knew...

or...

Do you even care... that it was so breaking my heart sometimes, when it seemed like that I felt was no point of me keep going on living this life...

As we know, if you even cared, beberapa bulan yang lalu, ada kejadian penembakan di klub malam di Orlando, USA... katanya sih korbannya 50 orang, kalo ga salah, it was the public shooting evidence with most casualties in US history, ever... and most of the victim were gays... secara memang ya...

Whatever the reason, which I heard, the shooter was a "gay in denial" himself... It was CRAZY!!!

Yang bikin sedih...

Some of you still commented that it was the right thing to do... and you used GOD's name on it...

I wanna ask... "What had they (the victims) done to deserve this?"

I wonder why this kind of hatred are still so common to be found in this "religious" country? which ironically was well known for its hospitality... so sad....

Sebenernya, ONE BIG QUESTION that always have been hanging in my mind for so long, and still being unanswered...How does my (or any other) sexuality even affect you... like in any way???

I know that it is a lot easier just to believe that being gay is a choice...

But, as so many gays actually asking... "Did you even choose to be a straight?"

People are literally dying... murdered or legally punished by death sentence... just for being a gay...

I still don't understand that some people still think that..."being gay is a choice..."

Why on earth... should we choose to be a gay... ???

Bila menurutmu saya terlalu bodoh... mungkin kamu perlu tahu, kurang pinter gimana sih Alan Turing itu... 

It broke my heart, when I knew that he finally committed suicide (and for being punished to have chemical castration before), just because he was a gay... padahal jasa dia segitu besarnya... saya kira, ga perlu hitung-hitungan buat buktiin seberapa besar jasa dibanding "kerugian" karena ke-gay-an nya.
Or, maybe someone can tell me? How bad the impact of his gayness to the world history... Yang ada, mungkin malah gimana homophobic behaviour ruins one hero's life totally...

And you still believe, that it was a choice to be a gay???

I really can't understand how your mind's working...
Or simply, you think it doesn't need to be thought of... which is A LOT EASIER...
I hope I was wrong...

I learned that, people tend to be afraid of things that they don't understand...
Seorang dengan pengaruh... anggota dewan yang katanya sedang melindungi generasi muda dari pengaruh "antek-antek" dan budaya asing... bilang, harus berhati-hati dengan yang namanya "Gay Agenda"...
In their mind,... Gay Agenda is... gerakan masif yang terorganisir dari sekelompok orang untuk merekrut sebanyak mungkin orang... dan mengupayakan dengan berbagai macam bujuk rayu dan tipu muslihat, untuk menjadikan mereka gay...
Atau, seorang dengan latar belakang militer bilang... "Kaum Gay itu, sedang bergerak untuk mengupayakan genosida"... or something like that...
Yang paling umum sih... ada yang bilang..."Coba dibayangkan, kalau gay itu dibiarkan, dan semua orang jadi gay... bisa-bisa gak ada lagi orang yang bereproduksi, dan akhirnya umat manusia menghilang dari muka bumi..."

*I roll my eyes sejuta kali - sama akang kasep Marlon Brando* ... ulah serius teuing atuh...

Dude... seriously...
Pernah baca twit dari siapa gitu... *maaf bila saya meminjam* ...
"Bigotry is like imagining the worst thing happened... and blame others for it"
Singkat kata... it only happened in your mind...

In my opinion, seniat-niatnya saya (misalnya)... ngubah orientasi seorang straight... jadi gay... it will be a very hard to do ... if not impossible...
Hanya orang yang ngerasa insecure about their sexuality, yang takut kalo preferensi seksual seseorang itu bisa diubah ... IYKWIM...
Terus, yakali... kalo dunia lebih friendly sama gay, terus semua orang "memilih" jadi gay... ga perlu sekolah tinggi-tinggi untuk tahu kalo logika lebay gitu itu ga masuk akal... like, SERIOUSLY!!!

GOSH...

It's so depressing...

Terus gimana dengan dosa? 

Emang ga takut kalo dilaknat Tuhan... ga takut sama apa yang terjadi sama kaum Luth...

Some of you... maybe think that I might not pray hard enough...

About my "sin"... 

I think it's my responsibility with the GOD that I believe in...

Do you even know what I've been through, because all of this...?

Do you even imagine, how many times I asked GOD for the "test" (*or anything you might call*) that GOD gave me...

And IF... GOD destroy this world just because of gay... why would you be so worried about? 

Won't you all "saints" go to heaven directly?

Oh... what? You're not so sure... and you might have sins too???

But still... you're so concern about mine????

DUDE... SERIOUSLY!!!!

I believe there is an higher power beyond human... I called it GOD...

Sebenernya, how does my "sin" become any of your concern? 

For something that doesn't even affect you... in any way...

Some people "go" to GOD for their problem... with so many ways...

What if the problem is lying within you?

If you ever wonder,... 

FYI, that I really know what "Hanya pada-Mu kami menyembah, dan hanya pada-Mu kami memohon pertolongan" means...

And some people still don't understand about the differences between "sexual orientation" and "sexual behaviour". 

I wont defend any gay who committed in criminal act... they should be punished under law, simply for what they did, not because they are gay...

Generalisasi gay tukang perkosa anak, terus pembunuh kekasih rahasia, atau apalah-apalah ...

For me, it's kinda unfair...

Kalo pernah lihat atau baca berita yang merkosa terus mbunuh pake gagang pacul itu siapa...

Yang merkosa cewek 14 tahun beramai-ramai itu gimana?

Yang merkosa dokter cewek lagi tidur di Papua itu apa kabarnya???

Please, BACA... terutama buat kamu-kamu yang "bangga" bener pake nama agama untuk menghakimi orang... BACA!!! Go educate yourself... 

Maaf bila sedikit emosi...

Mungkin apa yang saya tulis di sini juga ga bakal memberi dampak yang besar... siapalah saya...

Sebenernya, mungkin kamu bertanya...

Apa sih yang saya inginkan...?

Mungkin kamu pikir, yang ada di pikiran saya, cuma hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan pemuas syahwat semata... ya?

Kalo kamu udah pernah nonton "Brokeback Mountain"... coba lebih dimengerti...

Buka pikiran dan hati kamu... jangan cuma nge-highlight "adegan di tenda" dan beberapa adegan ciuman yang cuma seuprit itu... terus ngomel-ngomel dan nyumpahin orang, just simply because you don't understand...

Some of us... 

Just like you..

Hanya ingin hidup seperti biasa...

Belajar di sekolah... 

Bekerja, mencari nafkah. 

Berbakti pada orang tua... kalau bisa, berguna bagi sesama... 

Just like a decent human being...

Tanpa takut dan "menyimpan rahasia"... dan merasa terancam bila semua terbuka...

Buat saya... menemukan orang yang bisa berbagi hidup, menghabiskan sisa umur saya bersama... mungkin hanya "mimpi"...

But still, it's my dream...

Kalau kamu belom bisa menerima saya...

The least thing I ask is... please don't be mean...

Kalau boleh, let live side-by-side... build a better world... be kind to each other...

I have a dream...

Someday, when I could say that I'm gay... and you would say "It's okay"...

Semoga kamu bisa mengerti,...

Mbah Sudjiwo tedjo dalam twitnya pernah bilang... yang namanya orientasi seksual itu sangat dekat dengan karma...

Mungkin sekarang kamu begitu benci sampe ke dalam inti-hati kamu sama yang namanya gay...

But it's not impossible, *I'M NOT THREATING* someday... mungkin seorang yang dekat dengan hatimu (anakmu, cucumu, atau siapapun yang memiliki tempat istimewa di benak dan hatimu...) terbuka dan berkata padamu mengatakan dirinya seorang gay... or worst case scenario... they just decide to end their life (trust me, it happened many times), simply just because they are too affraid to tell you about the "truth"... naudzubillah!

By then... maybe you will "try" to understand...

Sekali lagi, if you only want to hear what you wanna hear... 

Discussion is just a waste of time...

Sometimes, in many of my solitude nights...

I only wanna sing...

"It's my world that I want to have a little pride in...

My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in...

Life's not worth a damn... 'Till you can say... Hey world I am what I am"...

PS: Too long posting? Actually, I believe there are still so much I wanna type out... tapi keburu tunduh ah... 

Being a gay is a Choice... IS IT?

S udah lama rasanya sejak terakhir saya posting di blog ini... seperti mati suri...

Banyak kejadian yang sebenernya ingin saya tulis, tapi... selalu mentok dengan jadwal... atau udah keburu cape... meski sebagian besar, mungkin karena sebagian besar yang ingin saya tulis, tiba-tiba menguap gitu aja waktu udah mau mulai ngetik.

Sudah 4 tahun lebih, sejak pertama kali saya tinggal di kota ini, mudah-mudahan gak lama lagi bisa menyelesaikan proses pendidikan ini, meski masih banyak “hutang” yang harus saya kerjakan sebelum bisa tamat dan menyandang tambahan gelar... #gapentingya

Pada satu titik, saya harus menuliskan apa yang beberapa hari ini mengisi benak saya... sedih...
Kayanya dulu pernah nulis tentang bahasan ini, tapi ingin saya tulis lagi.
Sebagai catatan, semua yang saya tulis, berdasar apa yang saya alami, pikir, dan rasakan...

As we know, few weeks lately,... lagi heboh orang-orang ngomongin tentang LGBT... apa-apa disangkutin dengan LGBT, dan ternyata, hari gini masih banyak orang menganggap setiap LGBT dengan stereotipikal yang negatif.

Bebebrapa minggu yang lalu, seorang kerabat saya, seorang dengan jabatan di sebuah perusahaan besar, bisa dibilang, dalam keluarga besar, everyone was looking up on him... dengan latar pendidikan yang mengagumkan, dan sempat melanjutkan pendidikan di luar negeri.
Singkat kata, I thouht his point of view, much less would be a bit expanded, regarded to nowadays culture (especially in western countries) which was a bit more friendly about LGBT.

Instead,... as one of the most frequent relative who updated his facebook’s posting, he said
“I will kill you, if you touch me one more time...”, caused by someone (gay?) touched him in front of his wife...
I didn’t know how “awfull” was the touch... was it so “teasing and embarassing”-kind of touch that might insult his pride?... so he thought that  they deserved to be murdered?
Satu lagi postingan-nya bilang... 

“ LGBT is a sickness... just accept that it is a disease, and get some help to be cured. It was just as simple as that!”

Atau, kultwit dari seorang anggota dewan yang dengan nama agama menjelaskan apa yang dia kira sedang terjadi di Indonesia, bahwa “kaum LGBT” sedang mengadakan suatu propaganda untuk melakukan kegiatan “penyebaran virus” LGBT dengan segala skenario yang menyudutkan... yang bahkan membuat seolah-olah “kaum normal (straight)” adalah korban yang sedang dibatasi haknya untuk berekspresi menyatakan ketidaksetujuan dari “Gay Agenda” dalam menyebarkan “penyakit”-nya.
Garis besarnya sih, in my opinion, mereka hanya “melindungi” generasi muda dan anak-anak untuk “tertular” dari pilihan gaya hidup yang salah (yang sedang gencar dikampanyekan oleh kaum LGBT).

Juga, beberapa hari yang lalu, dari acara “diskusi” di sebuah tv nasional yang menghadirkan beberapa narasumber, yang sayangnya hanya menghadirkan para “pakar” yang memiliki satu visi. (gak nonton sih, udah ketebak acaranya kaya gimana)
Mungkin sempat menjadi satu postingan di facebook yang menyebar dari satu orang ke yang lainnya... dengan kata “skak-mat” bahwa menurut text book... it was clearly said that homosexuality IS a disease... meskipun saya ga lihat acara-nya... sedikit banyak saya tergelitik untuk meng-cross check... eh, ternyata memang text book-nya ga dibaca dengan bener.
Kalo saya yang jadi pakar di acara itu, dan mengeluarkan statement yang ga sesuai... harusnya sih saya malu... Tapi namanya di Indonesia, asal banyak yang dukung, ya cuek aja... 

Majority is considered to be “the correct one”.

Dari pengamatan saya... dan sedikit analisa... *cieee*
Semua yang dikatakan dan dipikirkan oleh yang anti-LGBT... basicly “cuma” karena mereka TIDAK TAHU.
Sayangnya, dengan segala dalil dan rujukan yang sulit untuk disangkal “kebenarannya”... hanya membuat para tokoh dengan watak “POKOKNYA SAYA YANG BENER! POKOKNYA...!!!”

Masih banyak orang (mostly straight) yang menganggap that “Being Gay IS a Choice”.

Yah... for me, that kind of thought is kinda irrational.
In all of phase of life... since the very beginning, as long as I can remember... there was no time in my life that made me chose... whether I would be a straight or gay...?

One video that gave me tear when I watched it over – and over...

Yeah... If becoming a gay was a choice...
Why would I choose to be one?
Eventhough I’m not the smartest person, I’m also not an idiot who would choose to be one who "considered" as a pervert, someone who has "less" right than everyone else... someone who is thought as "lower" than animal... *sigh*

If it was a choice, as someone wrote in the video, I surely chose to be a straight... and my life would be – somehow – a bit easier... :’(

Beberapa minggu belakangan, temen SMP invite saya untuk gabung grup WA, isinya alumni SMP yang sekarang hampir semua –if not everyone- have been married...
Bahkan sampe masing-masing ngirim gambar pasangan dan anak-anaknya...
In my age... which is already not young anymore...
Of course I dont want to live all by myself...
Sometimes, all I could do was just smiling when someone asked me question... “udah berapa anaknya?”, or ignored the question in chat...

How I wish they knew...

If it was a choice...
Who on earth would choose to be “the abnormal one”...?

... to be continued ....

Belajar melupakan... kamu...

J

ika aku bukan jalanmu... ku berhenti mengharapkanmu...

My playlist even told me to move on...

dan mungkin memang harus mulai belajar melupakannya... seperti yang sudah-sudah...

Kangen... (ga pake band)... sumpah, suka rada sedikit gila...

Gara-gara terlanjur hapal nomer plat mobilnya...

Tanpa sadar dalam perjalanan ke RS... atau pergi-balik ke Gym... suka merhatiin mobil yang lalu-lalang...

Tiap ketemu "jenis" mobil yang sama... otomatis melototin plat - nya... sedikit lega... tapi juga nyesek, kalo bukan dia... (kasihan ya...) 

Satu kebodohan yang saya lakukan...

Pindahin semua kontak "PLU" ke BBM android... sempet broadcast... "please kindly add my new BBM pin: 12345678" ... dia bahkan masih "peduli" nanyain... "pin yang aktif yang mana?".

Dan... mungkin sebelum sempat temen-temen "PLU" baca tuh BM... gobloknya saya, men-del-cont - dengan mencentang "ignore future invitation"... *jedotin kepala*

Hilang sudah... (maaf buat temen2 yang pernah BBM-an, dan ujug2 hilang dari friend-list-nya... sumpah ga sengaja)

Profil-nya pun menghilang dari setiap soc-med-yang dulu membuat saya mengenalnya... ketika dia akhirnya memutuskan untuk mengajak bertemu dan makan malam bersama- (yang membuat saya ga bisa kepo- ngintipin profil-nya sebelum tidur atau waktu bangun pagi atau di sela-sela senggang waktu periksa pasien di poli... *pathetic anjir*)

I assumed, berarti dia memang serius dengan pilihan hati-nya....

Seseorang yang rela meninggalkan pacar lama-nya demi bersama dia...

Sedikit ingin protes,...

What made him so sure that he would never do the same to him...

What made him so special in his heart?

Was he richer... More muscular... Or even better in bed?

Bentar,... nyanyi dulu ah...

"I'm not an actor... I'm not a star...

and I dont even have my own car..." -leweh sakeudeung-

Tapi, hati memang ga bisa dipaksa... 

I'm sure that he's just not that into me...

All those goodbye kisses... 

Apparently, those were the things that didn't mean anything to him as deep as it did to me... (grammar check please!)

-deep sigh-

Penginnya sih, tumbuhin rasa benci...

Supaya cepet lupa... supaya ga usah sering-sering mikir, dia sedang apa... inget apa nggak...

Penginnya sih ngomong...

"How could you, get into my life... made me care of you... 

I even hoped that maybe all this waiting would end... by you...

And suddenly... I should just erase all of you from my head... my life... my heart...

What am I supposed to do?"

But, maybe he would just don't care...

Just as easy as that...

Since my existence didn't mean anything for him... 

Sekarang...

Udah 2 minggu-an, ga bisa ngelihat update status BBM-nya lagi...

Ga bisa lihat profil-picnya lagi (yang kadang nampang berdua... selfie monyong-monyongan)...

Yah, sudahlah...

Udah tua gini,...

BTW, few days ago... saya ulang tahun...

Tanpa perayaan... hanya bisa tidur sedikit lebih panjang... (tanggal merah-nya lumayan cihuy ya...)

Sahabat saya pernah bertanya sama saya, beberapa hari sebelum harinya...

" Mas, what is your birthday wishes???"

Of course to tell her that this year birthday wishes was "maybe God would give him a glimpse of a little thought that it was his loss for not choosing me" - was impossible...

Instead, I told her "I only wish for a peaceful mind".

But then again... I think that was what I really need for now...

Sekali lagi, belajar melupakan...

PS: Maaf, posting yang tidak bermutu... blame it on him aja ya... :')

 

Tahu diri...

Yang namanya geminian, kalo bukan tukang drama ya pasti anomali...

Just like me,... meskipun udah cape sebenernya, kaya abg aja... tapi kalo udah kaya sekarang ini... rasanya susah kalo ga drama-drama-an...

When it comes to romance... drama comes in one package... *sigh*

Yeah, started from an android application, he sent me a message, ... hi...

Dan berlanjut... sampe lumayan jauh...

Saya kira, dan sedikit berharap... mungkin ulang tahun besok saya ga sendiri lagi...

Tapi,...

Ternyata cuma saya yang terlalu ngarep...

Ketika di tengah kesibukan yang lumayan hectic, all of my "hi, apa kabar..." (implicitly, "I miss you...") ternyata ga berarti apa-apa

Dan setiap ajakan, "Jalan keluar yuk..."... selalu dijawab dengan berbagai alasan...

Saya tahu, udah bukan porsi saya lagi buat menye-menye nulis ginian di blog...

Tapi, yah... masih mending lah daripada dipendem sendirian, bikin jangar...

Thinking about him too much until it hurts sometimes, is the least thing I ever need right now...

Saya bukan anak ABG yang bisa berlarut-larut drama-dramaan atau sampe nenggak 15 tablet paracetamol seperti pasien yand datang kemarin di UGD .... *seriously!*

Yah, like always, I have to move on...

Buat kamu yang mungkin masih mencari yang lebih daripada apa yang bisa saya kasih...

Terima kasih buat semuanya...

I wish you knew... 

PS: From before we ever kissed,... from before I ever missed you...

I wish we were strangers again...

Rindu

J adi meskipun jarang update... suka lihat2 path orang...
Dapet ini,... brosing-brosing, ternyata dikutip dari buku Tausiyah Cinta...

Meski rada ga sesuai konteks,... tapi, sedikit banyak ada sedikit harap yang juga saya rasakan yg kurang lebih sama... however, love is love....